Disconnected {Some Thoughts on Life}

I feel so detached from my life lately. I’ve gone through most of my adult life like this, forgetting to stop and soak up the moment and really realize what is going on, but since I became a mother, it has worsened. I am on auto-pilot most days, just going through the motions, never giving my undivided attention to any moment. I only realize this when my husband talks about something we did together last week or when I try to recall a memory he believes I should have involving our son. I really need to work on slowing down and being able to be in the moment and really soak it all up. I am missing out on so much. My son does new things every day and I can barely recall the details of some of the most important moments in his life to date, like when he first walked. I just can’t remember the details, only that he got up and walked! Thankfully my husband has a good memory, but I don’t want to keep living on auto-pilot.

Do you ever feel disconnected from life?

What do you do to bring yourself back?

 

Mothers: We all deserve respect

I’m sure most of  you have seen this sign floating around Pinterest or even on your Facebook news feed. I didn’t really care for it the first 10 times I saw it.  I just thought, “how arrogant and insensitive”, but now, after having seen it for the 37th time, I have arrived to the point where I feel the need to respond to this haughty sign.

My main question is: What the hell do you think I do all day? 

Do you imagine me gracefully getting out of bed at 9:30am, well rested, singing A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes while little mice and birdies dress me? Then I go downstairs, dressed and groomed, enjoy a nice cup of coffee while I read the newspaper and fix myself eggs benedict. Oh, and when I’m ready, fed and caffeinated, I go into my child’s room and, oh look!, he’s standing up in his crib, cute as ever, waiting for me to sweep him out of his crib (that he loves so much, he sleeps in it every night, uninterrupted).  I place him on his changing table and dress him in his Ralph Lauren outfit, since I am going shopping with 10 of my girlfriends later.  Then I take him downstairs and sit him in his highchair and I watch FoxNews and chat on Facebook with my friends while he eats breakfast all by himself. I then enjoy another cup of coffee.  After breakfast, I decide that I want to workout, so he plays peacefully with toy trains while I enjoy 1 hour of aerobics.  Then I take a nice, long, hot shower.  I think I might have one more cup of coffee since it’s only noon.  We enjoy a nice afternoon, shopping, spending all of my husband’s money.  At about 5pm, my son is ready for a bath, and then right after that, it’s bedtime.  I have the whole evening for me and my husband.  We slip into bed at around 9:30 and have sweet, uninterrupted sex, and then sweet, uninterrupted dreams.

Puh-leeze.

I don’t have to tell you that I haven’t slept past 6am in over 10 months.  I haven’t slept a full night in over 10 months.  I rarely get to dress and groom myself in the morning.  I normally wake up in a puddle of pee (cloth diaper problem) because my son decided his crib is actually a jail cell somewhere around 1:47am and woke up in a full panic!  I tripped over some jingling, squeaking elephant toy that he never plays with and made all 3 dogs start barking.  I wear my “pee clothes” until about noon, when I finally get to shower. It’s not a “nice, long, hot shower” because my son has learned that the water faucet knob moves and moving the faucet knob is the only thing that will keep him from throwing himself down on the floor in a fit of rage.  If I’m being honest, I get poop on my hand at least once a day.  My kid does go to sleep at about 7pm, but then he wakes up at 9pm…then 12am…then 2am…and so on.  And sex? Isn’t that what got me into all this in the first place? Besides that, my husband is deployed.

I think the thing that annoys me the most is that all mothers, whether you are a full-time, part-time, or stay-at-home mother, makes sacrifices.  We all know that it’s a tough job.  It’s a rewarding job, but it’s tough.  At the end of the day (which, for me, is right after dinner and right before bath time, when Miles is too tired to act like a normal human being, but not sleepy enough to go to sleep) I sometimes want to shoot myself.  Not literally, of course, but I get stressed from the day, too! My point with the above illustration is that it is not real for any mother.  If you have a full-time job then you wake up early, go to work, and come home to all that chaos.  If you stay home, you wake up early, go to work (since staying home with kids is definitely work), and you never leave that chaos.  Both situations involve sacrifice.  Why try to act like you’re superior to me just because you make a different sacrifice than I do.  You’re no better just because you have to, or chose to work. We are all doing the best we can for our children.  Why can’t that be enough? Why can’t we all get the same amount of recognition and respect?

Just though I’d get that off my chest.  Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

So this is life?

I am officially stressed out. 

I don’t think I’ve ever been like this. Not because I’ve been spoiled, but because I’ve always had such a positive outlook on life and I knew that “stress” was just something that other people let happen to them. I still believe that, but I have let it happen to me. 

Here’s my deal: I am two and one half semesters away from completing my undergraduate degree, then I will go straight on to graduate school because it is nearly impossible to get a respectable job with a psychology degree with a concentration in marriage and family therapy.  The thing is, I have this new baby. I thought I could jump back in to school with both feet, so I registered for a full 12 hour semester. 

It’s kicking my butt. 

I spend almost all of my time taking care of and playing with Milo. When he sleeps, I am doing homework. My house is suffering big time, and so is my poor husband, my nails, my dog, my body, and my life in general.  Is this how it’s supposed to be?

What I mean is, is this really acceptable to people? Sacrificing your happiness, time with your family, caring for your mind and body, all for a piece of paper that says your smart in something, when in all actuality you only remember about 7% of what you learned? Is it really worth it?

This is just my personal experience. I really like to live life slowly. I like to slowly wake up in the mornings, enjoy a nice cup of coffee while I watch the news or read about it. Then I like to take a walk or workout, then a shower, then whatever else I want to do. All while holding Miles, of course. (Thank God that I have the option to live my life this way) Isn’t this how life should be? If this is how I am happy then shouldn’t I be doing what makes me happiest? Is it really worth it to sacrifice a few more stressful, unhappy years on a degree for a career that I am not even 100% sure I’m dedicated to anymore? I do want to be a marriage and family counselor, but stepping back and taking a look at my life, I am not sure how important it rates anymore. It used to be the thing that I lived for, my purpose in life! Now I have these people that I have to take care of and nurture and I’m just going to be adding more in a few years, and how can I take care of them if I’m not taking care of myself? 

Coming from me, this is all so dramatic. Haha. I am cracking up at the amount of feeling and emotion in this post, but I really am asking myself all these questions and I’m going through a serious priority shift and having a hard time finding the right place for everything. Right now Miles is first, school is second and everything after that is all jumbled up. But I’m not happy this way. I just don’t feel super dedicated to school anymore and I feel like it doesn’t deserve such a high spot on my list of priorities right now. 

If this is life, then this sucks. Should it suck? I don’t know, I guess it depends on who you are and what your priorities are. For me, I don’t think life should suck and I don’t believe in sacrificing happiness for anything. Now I just need to make a few decisions for myself, and they are going to require some time, but that’s hilarious, because I don’t have any time. Hahahahahahaha. I’m going nuts. 

I can’t think of a title

Sorry for the title, or lack thereof.  I remember my writing teacher in high school used to tell us that if we were trying to write and we couldn’t think of anything then we should write that we could not think of anything. I don’t see how that helps.  It just leads to me typing nonsense about my high school writing teacher and how I don’t feel like their writing exercise helps me to start writing.

Anyway, today I went on a field trip in my DSLR camera class.  It was fun. I went to American Village and basically showed my instructor (and myself) that I can operate my camera in manual mode! Boy, does it feel good to finally know what all those letters, numbers, and running men on my camera dial mean.  I would post the pictures from the field trip, but they are really boring.  There is one of a water fountain and in one shot the water is standing still, then in the other, it is blurry and looks like it’s flowing.  Blah, blah, blah.

Oh! I have a surprise, but I can’t say what it is yet! I am still trying to get it together.  I am so excited about it though and hopefully it will be up and running in a few days! If I must give a hint…it involves the camera skills that I have been picking up for the past 3 weeks, the crafting skills I have learned over the course of my life, and Colossians 3:17.  That is all I will say for right now.

I am now in my 31st week of pregnancy, so about 10 more weeks to go until I meet my handsome baby Miles! I know he will be handsome because his daddy looks like this:

Bahahah..Oh the joys of photobooth.  No, but for real, he looks like this:

Hahagagaga! Sorry, I couldn’t help myself again.  Here is a real picture of my handsome husband:

Look at that purdy smile.  He’ll be home in just under 2 weeks. Yay! Okay, I am going to go work on that surprise I was talking about. Have a good night everyone!