So this is life?

I am officially stressed out. 

I don’t think I’ve ever been like this. Not because I’ve been spoiled, but because I’ve always had such a positive outlook on life and I knew that “stress” was just something that other people let happen to them. I still believe that, but I have let it happen to me. 

Here’s my deal: I am two and one half semesters away from completing my undergraduate degree, then I will go straight on to graduate school because it is nearly impossible to get a respectable job with a psychology degree with a concentration in marriage and family therapy.  The thing is, I have this new baby. I thought I could jump back in to school with both feet, so I registered for a full 12 hour semester. 

It’s kicking my butt. 

I spend almost all of my time taking care of and playing with Milo. When he sleeps, I am doing homework. My house is suffering big time, and so is my poor husband, my nails, my dog, my body, and my life in general.  Is this how it’s supposed to be?

What I mean is, is this really acceptable to people? Sacrificing your happiness, time with your family, caring for your mind and body, all for a piece of paper that says your smart in something, when in all actuality you only remember about 7% of what you learned? Is it really worth it?

This is just my personal experience. I really like to live life slowly. I like to slowly wake up in the mornings, enjoy a nice cup of coffee while I watch the news or read about it. Then I like to take a walk or workout, then a shower, then whatever else I want to do. All while holding Miles, of course. (Thank God that I have the option to live my life this way) Isn’t this how life should be? If this is how I am happy then shouldn’t I be doing what makes me happiest? Is it really worth it to sacrifice a few more stressful, unhappy years on a degree for a career that I am not even 100% sure I’m dedicated to anymore? I do want to be a marriage and family counselor, but stepping back and taking a look at my life, I am not sure how important it rates anymore. It used to be the thing that I lived for, my purpose in life! Now I have these people that I have to take care of and nurture and I’m just going to be adding more in a few years, and how can I take care of them if I’m not taking care of myself? 

Coming from me, this is all so dramatic. Haha. I am cracking up at the amount of feeling and emotion in this post, but I really am asking myself all these questions and I’m going through a serious priority shift and having a hard time finding the right place for everything. Right now Miles is first, school is second and everything after that is all jumbled up. But I’m not happy this way. I just don’t feel super dedicated to school anymore and I feel like it doesn’t deserve such a high spot on my list of priorities right now. 

If this is life, then this sucks. Should it suck? I don’t know, I guess it depends on who you are and what your priorities are. For me, I don’t think life should suck and I don’t believe in sacrificing happiness for anything. Now I just need to make a few decisions for myself, and they are going to require some time, but that’s hilarious, because I don’t have any time. Hahahahahahaha. I’m going nuts. 

4 thoughts on “So this is life?

  1. Do what I am going to do. Take no classes or just a few and get back into it full time when Milo and your other kids (if you are having any) are in elementary school. I want to be happy and I know I’d be in the same boat as you, because it is near impossible if you want to spend time with you baby/husband. I do not ever want my kids to go to daycare. I won’t get back to full time school for about 8 years and finally get my dream job in 10 from now, but that is a sacrifice that I am going to take. Maybe you should lighten your educational load. Sorry you are so stressed. It is no fun! Hang in there.

  2. It is stressful when you have a family to think about it. It is no longer just you, but then again you kind of forget who you are in the process. I am going through the same thing. I have baby number 4 on the way, and I have zero time for myself. That part doesn’t bother me. However, taking care of the kids all day by myself leaves hardly any time for things I enjoy doing. If I want to read, I have to do that when they all sleep(bedtime usually). Lol. I’d like to say it gets better…but then it does get more hectic when you add more kids into it. I wish you the best of luck!!

  3. Oh my friend! I feel for you. It sounds like you are having to make the hard decisions that a lot of mothers make, career or family. Unfortunately some people don’t get to choose, they have to let their family’s suffer a little and work. So basically what I’m saying is…life does suck! Lol Hope things get a little easier for you! Love ya!

  4. I never realized that you had not experienced this type of stress before. You are so lucky. It is unfortunate that it appeared to you with Miles. Just think of it like this: You are just off-balanced. Life is still beautiful and you are still you. It takes time to rebalance your waitress tray (I am getting this image.) You will move items around in your life putting them where they belong and have balance with other items. You will perhaps take some objects off the tray and save them for the next trip. Have you ever been a waitress? Sorry, I am not sure that you are following me. Because you are caring for a helpless one, he is the weight that is tipping the tray. Don’t forget that his helplessness will also change, weirdly, just at the very time when you have grown comfortable with the new balance. 😦 remembering how it felt when Ali began to tell me I wasn’t needed 24-7. It was probably time for another little one then, but things didn’t work out like that. Anyway, back to my metaphor, don’t take yourself completely off the tray, okay? You might give up little things (cut your nails short and keep them clean–buffed–perhaps not decorated and polished, for instance.) You might not. You might become more efficient and learn to compress your life into something lean, clean, and mean. You will adapt. People do. Even when you work the way I do, especially in my job when I have to take much of it home, I have found a way. I took regular house-cleaning off my plate. It took me years of frustration and fighting and fussing, but I finally gave it up when I realized that a messy house full of happy people beats an empty clean one any day. I learned to clean where it counts and let the rest of it lay until I get mad and need to take out my anger on something. I have plenty of frustration venting jobs right now. What counts is that my people are still happy and know that they are loved. So, sweet neice, take a deep breath, fill your body with life giving oxygen, and know that you will figure it out one day at a time. Make changes that make doing what makes you happy possible.

    Strategy: Begin with the end in mind. Imagine your funeral. What will you want people to say about you? “Oh, my, she always had beautiful nails. I don’t know how she kept her house so clean” OR “She was the most serene woman I knew, and generous, too. She never failed to help someone in need. She was in love with her family.”

    I love you!

    Your wise, old aunt Yvonne, not wizened, but getting there.

    Post note: My friend, Virginia, does something that I used to believe was very unnecessary. Whenever one of her 4 children get toys, she tosses the little parts (like Barbie’s shoes–not her boots, but just the little things.) That way, she isn’t picking them up for years. I am now embracing that. I throw away all the fast food toys Zachary gets. He doesn’t remember that he gets them. When he did, he never played with the. Knick-nacks used to comfort me, but now, I see how they draw dust. Also, I don’t need as many clothes as I think. I got rid of the ones that required maintenance such as ironing and careful stain-avoidance. When I get to work, and someone says that I have toothpaste on my collar, I smile and remember the sleepy hug Zachary insisted on giving me in the bathroom that morning after I brushed his teeth.

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